Forgiveness
by Raven McBain
Summary: Adam muses about family and Mutants, as he thinks back on his actions in the first season episode Altered Ego.


**FORGIVENESS**

I don't own Adam or anyone else mentioned here. All I own is a pile of homework and a fat rabbit. I also am not Adam so I try to interpret him as well as I can. Flames will be sent to the flying monkeys to play with, who will then be sent after the person who sent the flame. This story takes place in season one, right after the end of the episode "Altered Ego." It is a short perspective piece, from Adam's point of view. I love the first season, tolerate the second and hate the third.

_Journal entry: Adam Kane:_

I've started this journal because, I've locked myself in this lab for almost two days now killing myself with guilt, and lack of sleep. If I'm honest with myself, It's more of a self-imposed exile. I can still see Shalimar's face as I held her in that death grip, her life had been completely in my hands and she had been afraid, of me. I threatened to destroy Emma's mind. I'm still haunted by the image of her unconscious form. Brennan and Jesse's shouts of fear, anger and pain, as I used my knowledge of their powers to beat them, still echo in my ears. I could have killed them. So now I'm having a much harder time forgiving myself then the rest of Mutant X had. They say my actions are forgiven because I was under the influence of Charlotte's power but that doesn't matter because I still used my knowledge of their powers and personalities against them. A long time ago, I swore to myself that I would never cause these wonderful young people any more harm then I already have, after all I am responsible for the powers they have, their gifts that could so easily be turned into curses.

"You are choking one of the people who loves you more then anything." I'm still haunted by those words. Emma had said them to protect Shalimar and myself, but she had meant them and I know she is correct. Love is one of the most dangerous emotions in the world. I've tried so hard to ignore how close I've begun to see these young people, because our lives are far too dangerous to think of things like love. I certainly never expected that they would ever care for me, after all I've done horrible, unforgivable things, and I don't deserve these young people's love. I knew they thought of me as a leader and perhaps even a friend, but I never thought they could love me like a father. None of them had the greatest parental role models growing up so that may be why.

I had lived in hiding, without any contact with the outside world for so many years that I had become used to that lack of contact, that emotionless void. Since Shalimar entered my life, followed by Jesse and eventually, Emma and Brennan, I've become used to the feeling of having other people in his life. Though, I see all New Mutant's as my children, these four have become family. They are each so amazing and different, not just their abilities but their personalities.

Shalimar can go from loving and supportive, to a fierce fighter in seconds. She will stop at nothing to protect her family. Shal is the most like a daughter to me, because I've known her the longest, and as a result she is the most protective of me.

Jesse, is naive and sweet in his own way, but he can also be cold and distant. His rich family never gave him the love and attention he deserves, so we constantly have to fight past his shields, but then who knows personal shields better then me.

Emma, sweet, serene, the only person, besides Shalimar, I can truly open up to. She had her rough beginning with us but we've long since worked out the problems. I was leery about bringing new people into my team but she has definitely pushed past any doubts I had.

Then there is Brennan, conn man, thief, and occasionally quite the brat, but he has changed. I've actually decided that if I ever have to leave Mutant X, which I hope never happens, that Brennan will lead Mutant X. Sure we have our fights, but I do have disputes with the others as well. He sees me as more of a friend then a leader, so I'm exempt from his hatred and distrust of all authority figures.

I'm responsible for my current actions, and through past actions, I'm also responsible for Charlotte's pain as well. I hadn't wanted to turn her father and my close friend in, but I know I did the right thing, as his illegal activities could have hurt someone. What I truly regret is that I didn't check in on Charlotte, I should have found a way to protect her from the hard life that she had. Her power must have been a burden on her, add to that her fathers suicide and growing up had to be almost unbearable. I don't blame her for hating me, she was in intense pain and she needed someone, besides her father, to blame. "I don't think we're thinking about the same Charlotte" Shalimar's words came back to me, "you're thinking about the little girl you used to know, I'm thinking about the young woman who wants to destroy you." Yes, Shal had been right, all I could see was the little girl I had let down. As a result I let my guard down and Mutant X had almost paid the ultimate price. Thankfully, in the end, Charlotte had seen the light and changed me back before it was too late.

To top off my crimes against my children, I took the New Mutant database, complete with the new identities of all the New Mutants we've put in the underground and I threatened to sell it to the highest bidder. Thankfully I still knew that Mason couldn't be trusted and hadn't given the disk to him. Despite continually telling myself that not a single Mutant would be alive if it hadn't been for my work, I still feel guilty, especially when I see a Mutant like Charlotte who was suffering from their abilities, or others who chose to use their abilities for evil and the many other people who are hurt by New Mutant abilities.

I have to end this entry because Mutant X has just entered the lab, with a pizza box and matching grins. Somehow, I don't think solitude is an option for much longer.

_Addition to entry:_

Every time I think I have those four figured out, they throw me a curve ball. After storming into the lab and insisting I eat something, they actually had me laughing for a while. It was my version of laughing, but it was still an accomplishment. After the others had left Emma and I talked about what had happened, I still feel guilty, but I now see that cutting myself off from my family is not the anser. Yes, by my family, I mean Mutant X.


End file.
